I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
