I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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