i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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