Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
