and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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