Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
