You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
