Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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