I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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