Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
