Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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