so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
