Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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