4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Non-Jews are for practice
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
