I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
