I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
