So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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