It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
