mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Randomize
