dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
