this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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