I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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