woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
