haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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