LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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