dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I checked into jail on foursquare
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
