im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
