im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize
