do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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