i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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