oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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