im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
