is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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