I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
