a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
