Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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