Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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