I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
