I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
