Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
