i need an iv and a liver transplant
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
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I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
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There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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