when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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