Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
