Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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