I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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