hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
