did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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