I got chris browned last night
i think i have two assholes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
