update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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