he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
