apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
