phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
