Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
