Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
