When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Come see our sink grown plant.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
