I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is Oprah even human
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
