If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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